Ben, there are some things I want to say.
First,I want you to know that I loved being your mommy. I loved every single second I spent with you in NICU, even when it shattered my heart. I cherished helping the nurses, and even teaching some of them, how to care for your omphalocele. I loved rocking you for hours. I even loved staring at your monitor and making sure all of your numbers were okay. I loved walking through the doors, checking in and practically running to your "crib." I loved learning to feed you there, I loved scooping you up and holding you for hours on end. I loved how the nurses loved you and thought (knew) you were so super adorable and such a good baby.
Even more,I loved every moment we had with you at home. God certainly blessed us by being able to be together in our home. I loved snuggling with you on the couch, I loved waking up to feed you, and I even loved your cry... It was so pitiful! I loved watching you on the monitor. I loved watching your daddy hold you and love on you, y'all were so much alike. I loved rocking you in your nursery and listening to your little snore (another way you and daddy are alike!)
You absolutely changed our lives(and many more). You taught me what selfless love really is. God used you in your short time to minister to me and help me. You taught me how to be a mommy. You taught me how to change stinky diapers without gagging :) You taught me to change my life to better your life. You taught me to rely on God more, you taught me more than I could ever even list. You were the absolute best son I could ever have asked for.
I talk about you all the time. Your daddy and I talk about the precious times we spent together with you and I am now even able to talk to others about you without sobbing!
I miss seeing your daddy hold you. You were so incredibly tiny compared to him! It always made me giggle when I would do laundry and your clothes were so much tinier than his! I miss seeing your daddy bottle feed you and love on you. Although he had never even held a baby before, he was such a natural with you! I miss seeing you sleep, you literally slept exactly like your daddy. I miss seeing you hold on to his finger, you loved to hold on to his big finger so much! It melted my heart each time you reached for it.
I miss hearing your handsome daddy singing to you. He sang to you ALL the time. It was the only thing that made you stop crying! He is an amazing dad, as you know.
Every now and then, I will catch your daddy signing your dirty diaper/omphalocele chaging song:
"Close your eyes and I'll kiss you
Tomorrow I'll miss you,
Remember I'll always be true
And then while I'm away
I'll write home every day
And I'll send all my loving to you
I'll pretend that I'm kissing
The lips I am missing
And hope that my dreams will come true
And then while I'm away
I'll write home every day
And I'll send all my loving to you"
You would be so proud of him. He is working so hard to provide for his little family and choose joy each day. You changed his life too, sweet baby boy. You made him an even better man.
Next, I want you to know that you are not forgotten. You wouldn't believe the amount of people, who almost 8 months later, are still thinking about you. People are still donating to NICU, ministering to us during this hard time, and doing many things to raise money for NICU, your home for the first part of your precious life. People are continuing to be changed by your life. I have been told that you have helped others choose joy, learn to pray more, and be more appreciative of their own children. You blessed so many people. You will never be forgotten.
Sweet baby boy I want you to know that we are doing our best. We are trying
so hard to trust in the Lord and choose joy each day. Your daddy and I think about you constantly. My heart aches to hold you, to love on you, to feed you and help you grow. I long for more moments, but I am relying on God to help me understand that this is all in His plan.
If we are ever blessed with more children I promise to tell them all about you. You will always be my first son, my first beautiful baby. Future children will always know that they have an older brother who now lives with Jesus.
I also want you to know that I'm kind of jealous of you! I can't imagine the glory of Heaven that you are experiencing. I know that in the short time I taught you about our Lord. We read about Him and sang about Him, and now you are praising Him at His feet every second of the day! I wish you could tell me all about it!
Ben, even though I tried... words can't even express what all I want to tell you, say to you. You were the most amazing person I know. I wish I could say that I have touched as many lives in my almost 30 years as you did during your short time. You are truly an inspiration and I admire you.
I love you always. I love you forever. You will always be my baby. I will always be your mommy. You are so loved. I will see you one day again, and I will scoop you up and hold you forever. We can praise Jesus beside one another for eternity.
I love you.
- Mommy
Beautiful !!
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