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Some nights I sit in Ben's nursery and I look out the large windows and I see all of the stars shining in the sky. The sky has been so clear, and I can see every single star sparkling like glitter on a beautiful ribbon wrapped around a Christmas gift.
I wasn't really thinking about anything. I was just sitting. My mind was wandering. I realized that every star I saw that night, I was thinking of a fear I have about my son.
Will his stomach float out more into the omphalocele?
Once he comes, will the doctors and surgeons say it's worse than they expected?
Will he be made fun of by other children when he goes to a swim party because of his large scar across his tummy?
The looks from other moms when they see this defect growing from his tummy.
Will he be able to be fed?
Has he gained enough weight?
Will he be able to breathe on his own?
The first time I see the omphalocele, not in a picture, but in real life. On my tiny baby.
How will that make me feel?
Can I handle seeing it?
Will he make it?
Will several surgeries be too much for his little tiny body?
.......
That night I was overwhelmed with fear. The kind of fear that makes you feel like you're about to throw up, the kind of fear that makes your whole body sweat even though you have chills, the kind of fear that makes you shake and quiver, the kind of fear that takes over your body and your mind.
I'm just plain scared.
When I came out of that dark place in my mind I prayed my prayer of little words.
You know, He never ever promised that things would be perfect. He never promised that things would be easy. In fact, most people face pretty crappy situations in their lives. People face horrible tragedies, loss, crisis. He never promised it would be perfect, and it sure isn't.
He did, however, promise to be enough. And He is.
I just have to trust in Him, there's no one else that I can trust in.
I believe that He's Jehovah Rapha, the Ultimate Healer.
I believe that He's more then enough for me, more than enough for my baby.
I also believe that there's a reason that all of this is happening around Christmas time. The greatest promise that He ever gave to mankind was in the form of a baby. I bet you Mary was terrified. Their situation was so far from perfect. Can you imagine how Mary must have felt? Probably even more scared than I am. Their situation was terrible. No place to stay, going into labor, and riding on a donkey. Let me tell you one thing... If Ben suggested I hop up on a donkey right now and make a long journey I'd punch him square in the gut! Literally, nothing went right for them leading up to the birth, but look what that terrible situation turned into.
It's amazing that His greatest, most powerful, amazing promise was a baby.
Your situation may be absolutely terrible. Your journey may be ugly. Your heart may be broken. And that's okay. We're human.
Momma, it's okay to be scared. Teacher, it's okay to be exhausted. Daddy, it's okay to feel burdened. Secretary, it's okay to feel annoyed. Wife, it's okay to feel lost. Student, it's okay to feel stressed out. Daughter, it's okay feel distraught. Who ever you are, whatever you do, you're a human and you will feel these horrific feelings.
But many years ago there was a baby, and that led to a cross, and that led to an empty tomb.
I am scared. No, I'm terrified... But I'm not going to let that darkness over take me. That baby is our refuge. He's faithful. He's with me. I'm not alone. I know I'm not. He walked this journey before me, and He's walking it with me now. He is taking my fear, and He is drawing me closer through that.
You're not alone. Just remember that incredible baby that changed our world.
Choose Joy,
Allison
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