Choosing Joy

"Whether you turn to the right or to the left, you will hear a voice behind you saying, "This is the way you should go; walk in it." - Isaiah 30:21

Over the past 3 days I can't really tell you which way- left, right, upside down, or backwards- I have been going. Let's be real, I feel pretty darn lost.

Let me just fill you in, friend. Bear with me if my thoughts seem scattered, because I know I feel scattered.

Thursday was supposed to be a normal, routine ultrasound. While having the ultrasound, a problem with my cervix was noticed. (It's extremely short). That routine ultrasound quickly turned into me being rushed upstairs to labor and delivery. (Mind you this is all at Summerville Medical Center right now, this is NOT my hospital.) Upstairs in L&D my baby was pressed on, I was stuck with countless needles, and I was asked about 3,000 questions. All while I hear the nurses talk to one another on their stupid walkie talkies about how they can't find me in the system. Of course I wasn't over come with anxiety at this point......

Now it was about 8:00,  they tell me that I'm having contractions. Not only was I having contractions right then, but I had been having contractions since Tuesday! I had been teaching, dancing, running, and playing with my kids at school all week, not a good mix! OOPS! :)

We were then told to rush to MUSC (my hospital) to Labor and Delivery there. I convinced them I didn't need an ambulance, my husband could drive us there. Okay, let's be real honest here... We drove through Chick Fil A. This momma NEEDED her a sweet tea with extra lemons! After the tea craving was satisfied we did indeed rush to MUSC, I promise!

We arrived at MUSC around 9:45. (At this point we are going on almost 7 hour since we began my ultrasound.) I was admitted and quickly hooked up to many many machines. My contractions wouldn't stop- they were getting really fast and really painful. I was on every IV drip, oral (and other form-- ew) of medicine I could possibly be on to stop these contractions and keep my son safe inside my belly.  At 1 point contractions were so close together I had 3 extremely intense ones within 10 minutes, and we were all getting scared about what was going to happen here. All we could do was pray. There was nothing else that could be done, and thankfully, that's all we really needed to do anyhow.

At 3:30 AM we were transferred OUT of L&D and moved to the pre-labor room because my contractions had STOPPED!

I have truly never been more scared in my life. I was enormously overwhelmed, and I had a panic attack when one of the doctors came in. (Poor man felt really bad. He didn't even say anything, he just walked closer to me and I had to tell him that he was giving me an attack!)

Anyway, during those 12 and a half hours I had been turned in every direction, over and over. I could literally feel my head spinning, and most things were a blur. (Maybe that was partially because all of the meds, too.) I truly felt like I was at the fair on a Tilt-A-Whirl that some drunk man was in charge of operating. I could slap that man if he was real...

I could hardly think straight, most decisions were being made for me out of necessity of the situation, then all of a sudden I was responsible for being mentally and emotionally stable enough to sign consent forms for an emergency C-Section, and deciding to take every step possible to save my very young baby. The severity of the situation hit me even harder, and it was hard to hold myself together. I needed to be in my place in my glider in my son's room. I needed to weep alone, rather than in front of the 30 faces I had seen in these 12 hours. I needed to scream out to my God at the top of my lungs. I just needed to be alone. I needed, desperately needed to be detached from these machines. I needed to be held by my husband on the floor of Baby Ben's room, I needed to cry in his lap.
But that just wasn't an option. This is where my son needs to be, and I will be here for him.

Once things finally slowed down, I was able to feel a little more stable, and a little more like Allison.
 

During the midst of all this, there are many blessings we have encountered. People of all kinds- strangers, friends, family, and new friends that will be my nurses until after Ben is born- have gone out of their way to help us. We are so incredibly blessed to have so many people who care about us, and more importantly, care about my Benjamin Michael.

I have many people who are praying that my Ben stays "cooking" for at least a few more weeks. As excited as I am to meet him, this is just too soon. I need to feel him moving around in my belly for several more weeks. However, I know God is the author of this story, and we will gladly be a part of His beautiful story, no matter what happens. 

I have decided to choose joy.  I have decided that I'm not in charge of any decisions. I'm not in charge of the time line or the day my son enters this crazy world. It is so far out of my hands. My God is the only one who is in the business of decision making in this whole ordeal.

Ben and I have decided over and over to choose joy. We have found opportunities to giggle, joke, and just be US. Ben was able to bring me Heidi, my precious fur baby for an hour or so, which greatly helped my anxiety. We have had the chances to laugh at baby Ben's activeness and his hiccups. My precious husband and I have found small moments to play as he rolls me around in my wheel chair. We have found time to snuggle and watch movies, take a quick "date" for ice cream and exploring the gardens. I'm pretty sure all of the nurses have heard me sing out "They see me rollin.... They hatin!" down the hall as Ben pushes me in the wheelchair 1 too many times. :)

Simply, we have chosen joy.

I have broken down many, many times. I have barely slept, and I have shaken with fear for hours on end. And that's okay, friends. The important thing to remember is to not live or stay in that place of fear.

"Do not fear, for I am with you. Do not anxiously look about you- for I am your God. I will strengthen you. Surely I will help you. Surely I will uphold you with my righteous hand." - Isaiah 41:10.

How perfect is that? A the end of the day, this amazing, beautiful promise is all that matters. When you read that promise, ti's hard NOT to choose joy when you know our mighty God, our Jehovah Rapha, is on our side. He's got His mighty hand on my tiny son.

We will continue to find small, beautiful moments in this place. We will continue to choose joy. No matter what your situation is, friends, choose joy. It's so liberating. It's so powerful, it's so freeing. It's the only option I have. I will choose joy.


Here are a few captured moments we have stolen away together, a few of the times we have chosen joy.

Heidi comes to visit during mommy's wheelchair time!

 

 Ice cream date in the cafeteria!

 

Snuggle and movie time!

Please continue to pray for us, sweet friends. We are just a few steps down a long and rough journey. We will be in the hospital indefinitely. I am on bed rest until BMP makes his entry into this world. But this is our journey, and we will make it beautiful. We will choose JOY!