It's winter! It's Christmas time! It's time to be excited, happy, jolly! Right?! We have our Christmas lists, our gifts for others wrapped tight for our family and friends. It's such a happy, beautiful season... But is it really that great for every woman?
No. It's hard. It causes anxiety. It hurts. It's painful.
I see you, sweet mom whose number one wish and prayer is to have a baby.
I see you, precious woman, who just like me, took that Christmas pregnancy test and it was negative. I see you, I've cried with you, I feel your devastating pain.
I hear you, sweet girl, when you realize you can't give that positive pregnancy test to your husband for the very best Christmas gift.
Sometimes our Christmas wishes don't come true. Sometimes our prayers aren't answered right away. Sometimes what we pray for is answered in a completely different way than we want.
I'm going to be completely honest and straightforward with you... I hate Christmas. I hate the gatherings, the meals, the talks. It breaks my heart. I hate it because my baby should be there. We should be celebrating his first birthday. We should be cutting his first birthday cake. He should be grabbing his "smash cake" and putting it all over his face. He should be enjoying his first visit from Santa and receiving gifts from his grandparents and cousins.
As I decorated for Christmas this year I remembered the year before... My Mom and Dad were here. Mom helped me decorate and my Dad graciously went to CVS 3 times to get more lights and extension cords.
I desperately wish that this year they could watch Baby Ben open Christmas gifts from them... but that's not the case. He's not here.
I can dwell on the sadness, the heartache, the sorrow, the fact that the pregnancy test, yet again, was negative. I can tell you a million reasons to be sad this season. I could write a freaking book of reasons to be depressed this season! But really... there are so many reasons to rejoice. Yes, Ben and I will be the only ones in my family without a child. Yes, it's hard to watch the other kids open their gifts. Yes, it breaks my heart that we don't have a blue cake at our Christmas dinner to celebrate. Yes, it hurts that I've tossed countless negative pregnancy tests into the trash cans in tears. Yes, I am dreading Christmas day because that's the day of my child's birth. Yes, I am broken. But God is bigger than this.
I'm terrified that Baby Ben was my one chance. I'm scared that we can't have another precious baby. I'm fearful that I had my one opportunity, but I have to believe. The Christmas story is so powerful.
It's so amazing, it's so mighty! Our God is strong. He is so much more than me. I want what I want, but I have to trust that He is stronger than me. He's bigger than me. He's better than me. He is perfect.
Women out there who feel defeated, women who cry when you take that pregnancy test and it's not what you want; that woman who didn't get the adoption papers or foster papers, that woman who feels empty... I feel you. I understand. I hurt with you... but please know that our God is bigger. He feels your pain. He feels your emptiness. He feels your ache.
He is so much more. He was born to give us hope, to give us a purpose, and so much more.
Yes. I absolutely feel your pain. Yes, I know how bad it hurts. I know how hard it is to tell your husband that yet again, this month I failed. I understand that the adoption papers didn't work out. But, moms, we have to believe. I call you moms because you are moms. You may not have children yet, or you may not have as many children as you wanted yet.... Either way, our God is powerful.
This is the season to spread joy to one another. Whether that be you giving your friend an extra gift, spending more money on your boss than you planned, spending more money on your students than you anticipated... It is so worth it.
Make the choice to choose joy. Make the choice to be positive. Make a choice to be happy. Make the choice to make someone's life better.
Precious mom, sweet woman, believe that He hears you. Its's not always the answer you want to hear. It's probably the opposite of what you want to hear, but He knows better.
Take this journey with me. Take this journey of trusting Him, above all. It's hard, it's tough, but let's do it together... You can do it, precious woman. Your time will come. I'm proud of you or being so strong. I know it's hard. I know it's arduous. I know it's difficult. But you can do it. You can make it through this Christmas season. You can do this. I believe in you.
Love Always,
Allison
